I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize