thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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