ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
