2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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