When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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