There is no way he is gay with that hair.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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