Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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