I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
