evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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