i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize