shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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