just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
