never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
