that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize