So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
