We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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