i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
