I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
