I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
