her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I am one with the molecules
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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