Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
