I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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