how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
