I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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