I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
