You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
