omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Too much gin, very little bucket
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
