Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
