He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
