11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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