she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
