let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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