I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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