you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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