Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize