I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
