he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
