Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
