Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
