Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
