Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
