I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
