I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
