My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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