oh god the rape fog is back!
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
