how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
third nipple confirmed
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
