he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Holy shit dude........stairs
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
