Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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