so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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