I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
