So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
