So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
