So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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