I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
