There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
