Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
