I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
